Our beautiful baby, Noah Paterchak, was born still on Friday, September 28, 2007.  I had a routine ultrasound on Wednesday.  We learned that Noah had no heartbeat, that he had died.  I was admitted to the hospital and induced.  Noah was born at 12:10am Friday.  He slipped from me just as he slipped from our lives.  The umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his tiny neck three times.  I hope that he was busy wiggling around and playing and having fun and just got tangled up in it.  I hope that he fell asleep and then died peacefully.  I hope.

Our first son, second child.  Emma's baby brother.  Grandson, nephew, great-grandson and best friend.  

Noah was due to be born into our arms on February 16th.  Instead, he was born into our hearts where we will forever hold him.

This website has been created, so we can share our Noah with the world.  While you're here, please light a candle in memory of our baby, Noah.  You can light a new candle whenever you are here, whenever you are thinking of Noah.  We love seeing all of the candles lit.  It shows us that his little life mattered.

Please stop back for updates to Noah's website too. 

Thank you for remembering our Noah,
Jen and Chris 

********************************************************* Remembering Baby Noah Paterchak,
Born Still September 28, 2007

Some Only Dream of Angels,
We Held One in Our Arms

And If I Go While You’re Still Here (by Emily Dickinson)
And if I go, while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
Both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
…I will be there.

Dear Family and Friends,

September 28, 2008 will be Baby Noah’s one year birth/death/angel day. As you all know, this last year has been very trying for us. Getting through his due date and holidays and other family celebrations have been the hardest of times, yet we have survived and hopefully emerged a little bit stronger.

In memory of Baby Noah, we are creating care packages for local hospitals to give to bereaved families through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. During our hospital stay, we were given some resources and a few keepsakes. We would like to supplement this with things that have brought us comfort and resources that we have found on our own. We have also learned what other families received and/or would like to have received following the tragic loss of a baby. Currently each hospital provides different resources and keepsakes. We are working with each hospital to determine which items will be most useful.
Our goal is to have 40 packages delivered to our local hospitals on or near September 28th. A list of the possible care packages contents is below. Each hospital will probably receive different packages based on their needs.

• Keepsake card (handmade by Jen and possibly others who stamp.) These will be selected by each nurse based of the circumstances.
• Brief story of our Baby Noah and our journey; our contact info; and link to Noah’s website
www.noah-paterchak.memory-of.com.
• List of resources - local and online support groups; bereavement books; photo touch up services including NILMDTS www.nilmdts.com.
• Small candle – we have found great comfort in watching the flicker of Noah’s candle, imagining Noah dancing in Heaven. We are currently thinking of this candle www.rosemarycompany.com/1405.html.
• Little stuffed lamb and soft blanket – hopefully 2 of each. While in the hospital, Chris’ Mom bought Noah a little lamb and blanket. We chose to have them cremated with Noah’s tiny body. In hindsight, we wish we had 2 of each and could have brought 1 set home with us.
• Crocheted keepsake hat - handmade by Jen’s mom and possibly others who crochet.
• “Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss” by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen – this has been very comforting book for us and will be for Emma as she gets older – www.griefwatch.com/detail.aspx?ID=60 (this site has offered a 40% discount for each case of 20.)
• Disposable camera - these will be separate and given to families that don’t have a camera available to them. Thankfully, our nurse recommending getting our digital camera. It seemed odd at the time, but we cherish the photos that we have of Noah – they are all we have to remember his tiny precious body.
• Journal – many parents, moms especially, find comfort in journaling the myriad of thoughts and writing letters to their baby.
• When appropriate - something to hold a lock of hair, washrag and towel to bathe the baby and hold the scent of baby wash, and an impression kit for foot and hand impressions.

As you can imagine, we will incur a considerable cost in our efforts to help other grieving families. We would be honored if you would like to help us with these baskets – help us to remember Noah and help other bereaved families. We would gladly accept any kind of help (stamp, crochet, or knitting; purchasing of specific items; and/or monetary donation) that you can provide.

Please contact us to help with this cause.

With love and remembering Noah,
The Paterchaks
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Mother’s Day 2008

I have been dreading today all week. This is the day that moms are celebrated by their children. I have my beautiful little girl, Emma. I am forever grateful to have her here with me in my life. However, this is my first Mother’s Day without Noah.

My morning was made by Chris and Emma. I had 2 beautiful cards, one from Chris and one from Emma. I also had a gorgeous Mother’s Bracelet. One strand has Emma’s name and the other has Noah’s name. I am now wearing the bracelet that honors both of my children. It is stunning and means so much to me. I’m so thankful to have my wonderful husband that knows what I need most. I need my sweet Noah to be remembered, forever.

This afternoon I was taking Nikita (our new pup) outside (for the 10th time). She’s become obsessed with a spot in the yard where Emma’s ice cream cone was dumped, days ago. I was irritated with her eating the dirt that must still taste like ice cream. It was raining earlier today, but not then. The air is crisp and chilly. It felt more like an autumn day, rather than a day in May. While waiting for Nikita to wrap things up, I realized that these whirly gig, helicopter like seeds were spinning down all around me. The crisp wind was blowing my hair. The wind chimes were chiming beautifully. And I was surrounded by whirly gigs (samara). I felt Noah. I know he would be too young today to play with them. But I’m sure that at some point he would have been fascinated by them. I have felt his spirit many times before, and he didn’t let me down today. Noah was with me today.

A samara is a type of fruit in which a flattened wing of fibrous, papery tissue develops from the ovary wall. The shape of a samara enables the wind to carry the seed away from the parent tree.

The wind was carrying the seed away from the parent tree ~ how felicitous.

*********************************************************

Noah's Cards

I have started to create cards that can be given to other bereaved parents. I'm starting by giving some to Sheree, the leader of my local support group HEAL. I plan to also donate cards to my local hospitals. My wish is that parents will have something handmade in honor of their baby who has died. You can view the cards that I have created so far at: http://www.splitcoaststampers.com/gallery/showgallery.php?cat=13414

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Celebrating Noah on his due date, 2/16/08 

We ended our vacation on Marco Island FL on Noah's due date, 2/16/08.  We wanted to celebrate his little life with a balloon release and a message in the sand.  We wanted to let Noah and the world know that his little life mattered and always will.  I've uploaded pictures to the "Balloon Release in FL" album on this site.  I hope you enjoy reading about our vacation and remembering Noah.

Below is the message I wrote in the sand.

BABY NOAH
BORN STILL
9-28-07
DUE 2-16-08
FOREVER IN OUR HEART (symbol of heart)
WE LOVE (symbol of heart) U
MOM, DAD, & EMMA

The Balloon Release went off without a hitch. I had planned on 20 balloons, but got 24 in case any popped. 1 deflated, so we had 23 that were released into the sky. The last balloon released was one Emma had been playing with since the night before. We convinced her to release it for Baby Noah. All of the other balloons were released singly and pretty much floated out to the sea or up to the sky without incident. Emma’s balloon was being held by Noah; Chris and I were sure of it. This balloon circled around by us and floated up to the condo building. A man on his balcony caught it and we asked that he release it. The balloon circled around some more in a spectacular show for us. Eventually it floated out to the sea and up to the sky. It was amazing. Noah was there.

I got the balloons the night before. While bringing them back to the building, the elevator stopped just after it left the ground floor. I was on alone with all 24 balloons. At first I freaked, b/c I hate elevators and worry of getting stuck. This has never happened to me. Then I realized it was Noah. He was letting me know that he was there. I pushed the door open and door close buttons which did nothing really. Then the elevator continued up. Again, Noah was there.

One day Chris was sitting on the couch with the doors open to the balcony. An osprey flew and landed on the railing. It sat there for a few seconds and then flew away. Again, Noah was there.

Our first day on the beach Chris and I felt so at peace and that Noah was just surrounding us…in the sand, sea and air. It was wonderful.

The entire trip wasn’t filled with happiness. I had several breakdowns, still amazed that we were there instead of home with a new baby. One day I was laying on the beach looking at all of the perfect seashells. I got so mad at God or Mother Nature or whoever. Why could he/she/they create all of this beauty, and not allow me to keep my baby boy? I’ll never understand.

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Hello, Goodbye (Michael W Smith)

Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain
Life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand
You and I
Have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:
Noah, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile

Chorus

Oh Oh Oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I'll see you there, I'll see you there, I'll see you there
I'll see you on the other side

Chorus
Chorus
Oh Oh Oh 


i carry your heart with me (ee cummings)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


Little One (Jim Howard)

Little one, little one,
Where have you gone?
Your going has darkened
The brightest dawn.
Why did you leave us
So soon ... so soon?
Where can we look for you?
Over the moon?
On butterflies' wings?
In the heart of a rose?
Who knows ... who knows
Where a little one goes?

Where I have gone,
I am not so small.
My soul is as wide
As the world is tall.
I have gone to answer
The call ... the call.
Wherever you look.
You will find me there-
In the heart of a rose;
In the heart of a prayer;
On butterflies' wings;
On wings of my own.
To you, I'm gone,
But I'm never alone-
I'm over the moon ...
I am home.


Netzah [Eternity] (Michael R. Berman, M.D.)

Could I have died so soon,
So soon that my cries
Were silenced in your womb?

So soon that I'll never touch
Your breast nor feel
Your hands caress
My brow?

So soon that you never got
To sigh and cry
Sweet tears of joy,
For your first child,
Your first born boy?
Could I have died so soon?

I suspect not,
For I felt the passion
Of your love around me
As my heartbeats slowed,
Then stopped.

As I lay motionless,
I heard the misery
In your cries that
I would not be born alive
And wondered, why?

Yesterday father, you fathered me.
Today dear mother, you birthed me.
I was there, You were there.
We all stood witness.

I heard your whispers,
That you love me.
I heard you tell each other
How beautiful I was viewed
In my eternal quietude.
I even felt your soft caress
As you held me to your breast.

On this morn, mourn not for me.
With ethereal grace I have a name.
I have a home, I have a life...
To live through all eternity. 


To the Child in My Heart (Kyra, Sean's Mommy)

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never-
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Below are some poems and words that speak to me as a mother who's baby has died.  I thought I would share with you so that you can get a glimpse of what my life has become.

The Mask (Joanne Cacciatore)

I feel as if I am buried alive
Yet I smile, and respond
"Fine, thank you."
I have been appropriately conditioned
No one wants to hear the painful
t    r    u    t    h

A part of me, like a phantom limb
A constituent of my earthly being
Has been violently amputated.
Yet I try to laugh at the mediocre conversations
A verbal splash in a shallow puddle
Pretending to be a player of the words
That have no
m    e    a    n    i    n    g

My heart has been ripped open
No benevolence granted
No explanation - No apologies
Only cataclysmic
p    a    i    n
No anesthesia remains, just the bitter pain.

Yet I wear the mask.

Sequestered, as they remain
Unconscious of
My words, my pain
The indigenous language of my sad
e    y    e    s

They will never really know me,
It's only a mask.


A Mother's Grief (Kelly Cummings)

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go.

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see.

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say.
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words that I need to say
Why does a mother's grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
when I had to watch my child go,
And she I could not save?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss on her head,
Then have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.


The American Dream (Joanne Cacciatore, edited by Mommy for Noah)

Baseball and apple pie
white picket fence
2.5 Children

A good job
Wall Street Success
A Day at Gymboree

Three weeks paid vacation
To a faraway island
Silver S.U.V.

Braces.

I am not one of them.

My dream is of another world.
I dream of the day
When all babies cry at birth, never silenced by death.

I dream of the day
When every child wakes from his quiescent slumber.

I dream of the day
When every child comes home from prom night.

I dream of the day when children grow to be old
And all parents die first. As it should be.

I dream of the day
When parents celebrate life, ignorant to any other way.

I dream of the day when others realize how very much it hurts,
and offer unconditional compassion.

I dream of the day, when I will hold my baby boy who died before taking his first breath

This is my American Dream.


A Pair of Shoes (Author unknown)

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST (The Compassionate Friends)

1. I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.

11. I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would
let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand — understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.